My New Honesty Policy

I'm not very good at honesty.

It's taken me very long to realize this and I'm not even sure if I'm done realizing.

In fact, I think I might be a liar.

I'll cut right to the chase. In the simplest words, I think I've been lying for a very long time. I've been lying about a variety of things. I would list them but I don't even think that would make sense.

I think that it's more that I've been lying to myself. I've been lying to others. I think it's about how others see me, how I want them to see me. I'm the good girl. In my group, that's the role I fill. I don't do any illicit substances, I don't swear, I don't talk about people. I'm the one everyone describes as "cute." I'm like the little one everyone always tries to protect. It's a very narrow genre to fit in, and to be honest (which is what this whole post is all about) I really don't fit in it. I do swear and I do talk about people. I don't drink or do any drugs but it's not because I think they're wrong (tbh, I do think drugs are wrong because they have so much potential to hurt people and families) it's because I don't want to.

I really think this is a problem that I need to get over. It's caused lots of jealousy and resentment inside me. I'm jealous when any other person comes in and is "better," than me. If they also fill the role of good girl I immediately feel like they'll overshadow me because I don't fit in that role. I feel like everyone will forget me because the spot I usually sit in, metaphorically, is already filled. I resent everyone, myself and my friends, for trying to put me in a box I don't fit.

I know, I know, this doesn't really make sense, does it? But that's how I feel. The thing is though, I want to be a better person. I want to be good; and I think there's a way for me to do that without feeling like I need to get into a box.

The first thing is: I'm just going to start being who I am. I'm going to stop beating myself up when I do things that are out of the mold. If I feel that those things are wrong, I'll be upset for that reason, not because I didn't play my role. I also tried to fit what I said and how I dressed and just my appearance and personality in general on this "cute" persona. I'm going to stop doing that. I'm going to wear what I wear because I like it or say what I say because I think it's funny, not because I need it to make people think that I'm funny. I'm going to stop worrying so much that I've said something wrong because EVERYONE says stupid, weird things and everyone worries much more about what they say than about what I say. I think if I stopped worrying about myself so much, it would free up a lot more of my thinking hours haha.

Anyway, that's my plan. I'm going to start being more honest with myself first, and then with everyone around me. We all have struggles and I'm not going to be scared of them. I'm going to say only the most honest things and I hope you do the same!

Thanks for reading!