My New Honesty Policy

I'm not very good at honesty.

It's taken me very long to realize this and I'm not even sure if I'm done realizing.

In fact, I think I might be a liar.

I'll cut right to the chase. In the simplest words, I think I've been lying for a very long time. I've been lying about a variety of things. I would list them but I don't even think that would make sense.

I think that it's more that I've been lying to myself. I've been lying to others. I think it's about how others see me, how I want them to see me. I'm the good girl. In my group, that's the role I fill. I don't do any illicit substances, I don't swear, I don't talk about people. I'm the one everyone describes as "cute." I'm like the little one everyone always tries to protect. It's a very narrow genre to fit in, and to be honest (which is what this whole post is all about) I really don't fit in it. I do swear and I do talk about people. I don't drink or do any drugs but it's not because I think they're wrong (tbh, I do think drugs are wrong because they have so much potential to hurt people and families) it's because I don't want to.

I really think this is a problem that I need to get over. It's caused lots of jealousy and resentment inside me. I'm jealous when any other person comes in and is "better," than me. If they also fill the role of good girl I immediately feel like they'll overshadow me because I don't fit in that role. I feel like everyone will forget me because the spot I usually sit in, metaphorically, is already filled. I resent everyone, myself and my friends, for trying to put me in a box I don't fit.

I know, I know, this doesn't really make sense, does it? But that's how I feel. The thing is though, I want to be a better person. I want to be good; and I think there's a way for me to do that without feeling like I need to get into a box.

The first thing is: I'm just going to start being who I am. I'm going to stop beating myself up when I do things that are out of the mold. If I feel that those things are wrong, I'll be upset for that reason, not because I didn't play my role. I also tried to fit what I said and how I dressed and just my appearance and personality in general on this "cute" persona. I'm going to stop doing that. I'm going to wear what I wear because I like it or say what I say because I think it's funny, not because I need it to make people think that I'm funny. I'm going to stop worrying so much that I've said something wrong because EVERYONE says stupid, weird things and everyone worries much more about what they say than about what I say. I think if I stopped worrying about myself so much, it would free up a lot more of my thinking hours haha.

Anyway, that's my plan. I'm going to start being more honest with myself first, and then with everyone around me. We all have struggles and I'm not going to be scared of them. I'm going to say only the most honest things and I hope you do the same!

Thanks for reading!

Movie Review: Whiplash

I don't know if I can possibly describe Whiplash without putting in a video of me screaming and crying and overall overwhelmed with emotion. Let's just say I'm a huge fan of Damien Chazelle now. He does work. Good good work.

So first thing. Disclaimer: this movie was pretty foul. Lots of swearing that would not agree with anyone with sensitive ears. In my book, I didn't really notice it as unnecessary. For example, I did not like the movie, Silver Linings Playbook at all because they swore so much. It was unnecessary and grating. In this movie, they almost used it as a tool. It served to increase the whacky high stress levels of the movie. It's not a suspenseful movie but there's so much suspense. It's like real life in the fact that you had no idea what was going to happen. Was it going to turn out all right or was it going to take a nasty turn for the worse. It hurt to watch.

J.K. Simmons is a fantastic actor. He was the one perpetuating most of the swearing. He was so foul that sometimes, my mouth dropped right open. The things he was saying to students hurt me and I cried multiple times. Being a former member of a band that was almost as serious as this, it brought back HUGE amounts of anxiety. I don't know what it is about Directors but they are very very emotional people, at least the ones that I've been in contact with. I didn't even pursue music in college because I knew it would be just as stressful if not more. My first director was wild and unreasonable at best. He was so sensitive and you never knew what you were going to get from each day. It was a  very second-by-second emotional roller coaster. He would sometimes very mean things just like J.K. Simmons in the movie. My second director was fantastic and I have so much respect for him. We won. Everything. And we ended up being the best band of our state and arguably the best band in our country, winning a national competition. Not The national competition but still. I say this to illustrate that J.K. Simmons behavior is very realistic. As are the students reactions. They're fiercely loyal to the band and the director in general but there's a direct correlation between how good a player is and how much they respect the director. It's almost worship. So I can see someone like Miles Teller's character reacting how he did in the movie.

This brings us to Miles Teller. AHH. He was so cute. Which doesn't have anything to do with his performance but... he is so cute. Every performance he does has a certain wisecrack demeanor even if the words aren't meant to be humorous. It's something in his shoulders. This is just my opinion but it makes every part he plays almost mesmerizing to watch.

All in all, this is a 5 STAR movie. Please go watch it. It will make you FEEL THINGS. I loved it.